I Will Always Remain Myself

Today at the Ulpan, my intensive Hebrew learning class, the class was  entitled  But I always remain myself....................... Of course I would say,  AND I always remain myself.  I could not believe that I focused my learning today, on words that would describe what it is I am feeling,  what  my body is saying to me, and  remembering  I always remain myself.  Each and everyday, I am discovering more and more about whom I am, and how to always remain myself, in the present. I am learning to do both.  Who I truly am now will inform, who I will become.  The key is to remember our resiliencies, I will always remain my resilient self. And POW  I now can know who I am and what I feel and what I need, all in Hebrew.  Fabulous! I can get my needs met by Israelis. 

What was also fascinating to me is that my learning today was all done through song and music.  I learned a song today, entitled, SOMETIMES I FEEL BUT I ALWAYS REMAIN MYSELF,  a great tune, quite a toe tapper.  The reason they teach it through song, is because of what they have learned about neurobiology, linguistics, and memory.  Incredible!! We even think alike. Can not believe that my learning about the brain continues here.  I think I might begin a new type of Therapy,  I will sing throughout the sessions.  The Collaborative Stage Model of Song or perhaps just a new modality, well maybe not me, someone with a good voice.

 Every day, I am amazed, how it is clear, this was the right choice for me.  And everyday, I am reminded if we allow it,  staying in the Present offers many wonders about living our life in the future. 

Tonight at Yoga, during Savasana,  I focused on the sentence

Sometimes I feel..............And I always will remain my resilient self

Somteimes I feel...........And I always remain my resilient self

Sometimes I feel ...........And I always remain my resilient self



Creating a Context, a home

What the hell was I thinking,  this was a completely crazy idea.  My thoughts, fears, and tears were saying this as I lay in bed Wednesday night unable to sleep. This was a horrible, terrible, really bad idea.  Anxiety swept through my body, as I realized there was no xanax, my next thought was, "Mary Jo what do you know. What do you need to ground yourself. What do you do for others when they do not feel safe?"  The Answer: Create a context. I know those of you who know me well are, laughing and saying yeah right, yet you also know, it is the truth.  I laid in bed and thought,  what do I know, I am anxious, what is the fear behind the anxiety, I am basically afraid of being away from home for so long.  So, how do I create a context here, my home away from home. Which of course leads to the questions I have been asking myself  for the last last 18 months, who exactly am i going to BE and BECOME. Yet the blog is about the Present, so who do I want to be now. What would create my home in the present.  And I realized, the old saying, "home is where the heart is",  could it mean we carry in our hearts all that we need to know to create our home.  I imaged my home. The elements of my home are: creating and being part of a family and community, a cup of tea in a glass mug, a place to meditate looking at nature, exercise. This is how each and every day, I create my home in my heart, my balance.  With this warm feeling, I drifted off to sleep.

It is Sunday in Israel,  and I have created a home,  I am very much at home here.  I have a glass tea mug, warming my hands and heart, I joined a health club in the neighborhood I can run to where I am spinning, Zumba and Yoga,I am going to an intensive Hebrew language school everyday, which has a social component where we go to public places and schmooze in Hebrew.  I have worked everyday, I joined a volunteer organization to assist in dialogue between Israelis and Palestinians,  I went to services on Shabbat and had a lovely dinner with colleagues and today hiked with a group amongst ruins.

Everything we need to create a home, is within us, I know this for sure. We carry our homes in our hearts. Once we stop, come to the present, look in our hearts, everything we need is there. Part of individuation is venturing out from a basecamp and  yet having a home. Creating a context for balance, familiarity, and warmth. I have created a home.

Airspace over Individuation

The pilot announced we are now in Israeli airspace, and for a moment I could not catch my breath.  It was like I was going home to see my parents, to see family members.  I could not wait to see her and yet I have such an ambivalent attachment.  It reminds me of how I often felt as a teenager with my parents,  I loved them and yet questioned who they were and wanted to separate myself from them and their values.  This is how I feel about coming home again to Israel. As I looked out the window, I was struck by the parallels of loving someone/a country and needing to individuate, and of being a 19-20 something teenager and a 57 year old woman, looking at the next stage of life, and wondering who exactly am I and  who will I become. And wondering where will I land.

Clearly it was not airspace over Israel he was announcing.

Airspace over Individuation

January 24 Trying to stay in the Present

My first official blog entry,  in a blog that is about staying in the present, should probably not be written when all I can do is focus on what will life be like for the next 6 weeks.  I leave tomorrow for what I anticipate might be the greatest emotional, intellectual, and spiritual challenge of my career.  I have always said that it is very difficult to tell the difference between anxiety and excitement.  Like most things in life, we have a choice what lens we put on the camera.  So in service of being radically honest with myself,  I think I am both,  anxious and excited.  Vulnerable and Resilient. 

Let me try to be in the present, for a moment.  The intention for me writing this blog is for me to stay in the present with my trip to Israel.  I will be teaching, training, consulting, throughout the country. In the blog I will share my daily adventures and growth.  This trip has been a dream I have had for years, to go back to Israel and share my work on Family Violence, Trauma, and Compassion Fatigue.  With all the kids gone, my dream and hard work is coming into the Present.  So I begin this Blog with gratitude to the Center for Contextual Change, to Dennis,  to my kids, my friends, my family and my clients, who have provided me with the love and support, freedom and confidence to begin this incredible adventure.

As I wrote that last line,  I was in the Present, very much in the Present,  with love and gratitude for the support I receive and  my ability to share what I am most committed to;  providing healing, restoring peace and connection to families and communities torn apart by violence and trauma.