Imagine your head in a Tupperware Lettuce Spinner. That is the perfect description of my brain, heart,and nervous system right now. There is a disorientation that has come over me, as I prepare to leave. I have lived for the past six weeks in the Third Reality. Linda (Stone Fish) really helped put my experience together for me. We were skyping and I was talking incoherently. She wisely pointed out that I was trying to hold both realities, Israel and Palestine. My brain was short wiring. And then I thought, of the article I wrote for the Psychotherapy Networker many many years ago, I believe it was called, "Thinking Outside the Box, Creating A Third Reality".
I have for six weeks tried to stay grounded as I held on to two very painful realities. I have for 6 weeks held Israel and Palestine: the people, the cultures, the incredible beauty, the violence, the hate, the history, and the present, all in my brain at the same time. I have for six weeks held: the mothers' tears from both sides. I have for six weeks held the disgusting Revenge and Retaliation from both sides. I have held for six weeks the need to Never Forget and the need to Acknowledge from both sides. I have held for six weeks the fear and grief from both sides. For six weeks, I have held the anger and rage. For six weeks, I have tried to give safety and some vision of the future to the families of both sides, I have tried to motivate the "Silent Majority" from both sides to use their voices louder. I have tried to love the people, the children, the beauty of nature of the land, the humor, the hope, the sacredness and the perseverance from both sides.
Living life in the "I am Right -You are Wrong" reality is simpler, so much simpler. You are either with me or you are against me. The Future does not come from that Reality. Possibility does not come from that Reality. Hope does not come from that Reality. Change does not come from that Reality.
I have walked back and forth between the literal and spiritual checkpoints of two different realities. And I have chosen to work hard at holding both. I have lived in the Third Reality. Our work isn't done till the Third Reality becomes the only reality. It is absolutely in no way time to leave, and I am leaving.
My fourth Shabbat. It appears that this has become a once a week blog, which Judson assures me is quite acceptable in the blogging world. This blogging venture is interesting in and of itself. Is it a journal? Well then, the writing is really for me and should I be posting it? Is it an open letter to my friends? Then that is a great way to stay in touch while I am gone, and nothing is really to personal to share. Is it an opportunity to share and inform and grow for both myself, my colleagues and my friends? Then it is okay if periodically I sound like a teacher or a therapist, because in fact that is who I am. It really is just another fascinating virtual experience, and I am beginning to realize that all these virtual social networks are a combination of connection to others and self reflection. I don't ever really know who I am connecting with and in fact, while I am reaching out to connect, I am really alone in self reflection and self awareness. Individual reflection through social networking, blogging and facebooking might just be oxymoronic exercises in how to be in a relationship.
Back to the trip........
This Shabbat my focus is on a slogan I heard while I was at the Tent of Nations. (See Link and Pictures taken of the land and the cave dwellings, where the family has lived for generations )
Learn Hope and Plant Peace. This slogan was the focus of our discussion while we visited Daoud at the Tent of Nations. An olive and grape farm, in the West Bank, in occupied territories. We, Dennis, Boris, Mel, Emma, my friend Jane, talked with Daoud, his wife and brother and heard the life of generations of occupation and the vision of peace in our life time. They are inspirational. It was clear that their vision is that each little seed of peace that we can plant, each one of us in everyway possible has the potential to grow peace. It was amazing to me how our discussions about the Palestinian/Israeli conflict revolved around the exact same ideas and believes that I am lecturing and consulting on in Israel. Basically, how a history of violence and trauma, has created a context for continued violence and victimization. And the only hope is to acknowledge our hurt, oppression and aggression of others and commit to create new pathways of collaboration, love and peace. I spoke with them about my work with families and he spoke with me of his work with communities, volunteers, Arabs and Israeli's- and we were clear, we are all planting seeds of peace. I watched him, and saw with each moment that he lost hope while we talked or spoke of painful experiences, he stopped, took a breath and responded somehow with hope. It was as if I was watching him rewire his brain from victimization and aggression to resilience and hope. It was an incredible experience.
I am thrilled to be continuing my work both in Israel, working directly with families and training therapists. And next week working with Encounter http://www.encounterprograms.org/ and Tent of Nations. I will be leading a workshop with Palestinian women, Creating a Peaceful Brain and a Loving Heart.
So as I wonder what blogging is really about. A self indulging exercise in journaling, a letter to friends, or an opportunity to create change- or all of the above.
I leave myself and any one else that is listening, with this thought. It is very easy, too easy, to lose hope in the midst of the Middle East, in the middle of Israel or in the middle of Palestine. It is all too simple to believe that anything we could possibly do, could ever make any difference. Yet Each seed, each little seed, has the potential to grow into something greater, to become an individual growth in a huge garden or forest.I do believe we can Learn Hope if we continually Plant the Seeds for Peace. After my Shabbat dinner tonight, there will be 12 Israeli's going to the outskirts of Hebron, to visit the Tent of Nations, they did not even know the Tent of Nations existed until tonight, and they all commited to go. That is 12 more Israeli's Learning Hope and Planting Peace with a Palestinian than there was yesterday.
I am in an Arab city today. It is amazing. Could it be possible that a commitment of people who want freedom will create it? Could it be possible? At this very moment, I once again have no words for how I feel or for the Hope. I am a Jew in a Arab city, on Shabbat. A moment to have Hope. At this very moment, I feel it. It is remarkable. Lets be brave for peace and create an opportunity for Peace for us all. In the Present, a breath for Peace.
I know, I know, I know, I have not written an entry in many days. I love all the emails I have gotten, with people asking about what is going on and missing me and my musings. Thank you. I have not written because my experience since the last entry has been incredibly emotional on many levels; Personally and Professionally. I have been working extremely hard and felt very alone on a personal level.
In summary, last Shabbat, I attended the Reconstructionist Minyan. To say the least I was one happy Jew. I was in the land of "My People" and truly being with "My People", I am a very happy Reconstructionist. During Mariv, we chanted, a Shefa Gold chant which clearly spoke to my life.
Healing the World Thru the Majesty of Nurture-as tears silently fell on my cheeks I realized this is all I can offer to my loved ones and to the world. The love,understanding, and energy I have to give to others; my ability to nurture humans and ideas, is majestic and is my primary resource for healing and change.
Today, Thursday, I was the Keynote speaker at the 40th Anniversary Conference of Shiluv, one of the first Family Therapy Institutes, in Israel. The title of my talk was: Creating Refuge in Ourselves and Our Families. As I wrote the, talk..........at this moment all of my friends and colleagues are saying, you don't write talks, you have never written down one of your talks............Correct, I did not write my speech......... so as I organically experienced my ideas and intentions of the talk, I realized that Creating Refuge is about creating a place of healing, soothing, which is what we all search for and what we work toward providing as therapists. We create the refuge within our spirits and the spirits of others, and then healing and change may emerge. So it began to come together, Creating Refuge and Healing does come through the majesty of nurture.
Which then took me wondering what is nurture? How do I define nurture? How do I practice nurture? How do I teach nurture? How do I provide nurture? How do I nurture my own heart and soul while trying to nurture others? Healing the world and relationships is a complex endeavor; an extremely delicate balance of giving and receiving. Giving and receiving of ideas, of love, of conflict. Can we nurture all of this to promote change? Some days I do better than others, some relationships I do better than others. I have been so filled with these ideas in the last few days, I have been overwhelmed into stillness.
In this stillness, I have felt great pain about my failures in nurturing and have seen light, that I will continue to move toward, to keep my heart and brain focused on the Healing Nature of Nurture. I wonder can I really nurture anyone if I don't know how to nurture my own spirit.
So as you can see I have had some interesting thoughts. On top of all this thinking, feeling and writing. I have seen between 2-4 families a day, and providing training based on the work I have done with the families. I am also working closely with Encounter. A wonderful organization in Israel, working to transform conflict between Israelis and the Palestinians through face to face connection. For the next month I will be working in Bethlehem a couple of days a week. I also began a paper, with the working title: "The Greening of Therapists: Sustainable Care for Caregivers" Another entry into my thoughts of Healing and Nurture.
I am off for a weekend of Nature and Nurture. Meditation and Hiking in the Galilee. I hope I return with a renewed sense of what it means to truly nurture others, to love and care for others, while loving and caring for myself. And with a renewed clarity, of the Present.
Shabbat Shalom!I have not written in a few days, which is clearly a mistake.I have so much to say, because so much has happened.I will slow down, as I approach Shabbat, take a breath and decide to write severalblogs over the course of the next few days, and try not to get it in all at once.CHANGE- you can tell that is a difference for me.
First, I feel so loved and cared about, with all of my friends and family checking in with me about the crisis in Egypt.I will not comment on the politics, this is a personal blog, I will leave the political commentary blogging to Brant. RabbiBrant.comOn a personal level,I am fine and do not feel anxious at all.Of course,I have already adopted to Israeli mentality in many ways,(don’t worry not the pushing, shoving, rude, no awareness of personal space mentality) so I feel safe.I am also aware that whomever takes over in Egypt and whenever, it will take time for them to turn their sights on Israel,in fact if they choose to go that route.As we all know it is extremely complicated in the Middle East. For now,I feel safe in Israel and very loved by all of you.Thank you
I will use this particular entry to answer in public, a few questions that I have gotten privately.
1)I am staying with Israel and Judy Charney.Both Internationally renowned systemic therapists.Israel has written far too much to site here, he is the author of the Encyclopedia of Genocide. What a title huh?And probably is one of the foremost experts on Genocide in the world.Judy has established a team in Israel that specializes in Child Sexual Abuse,get the connection.And I am honored that her program and those of many others use The Collaborative Stage Model of Integrative Therapies for their work. They often leave town, and I am enjoyingrelaxing alone time as well.Judy and Israel are brilliant, gracious, generous talented, and incredibly nurturing.My gratitude is abundant.
2)I am teaching and consulting throughout the country. To a variety of audiences in a variety of settings. It is amazing, how I have been received and welcomed and am now in demand.Today alone,I got 5 phone calls before 2:00, (because at 2 on Shabbat, most everything closes, to prepare, including me.The topic of another blog) to train and do live consultations.That has been the biggest surprise.I knew ahead of time of many of the trainings I would provide, however, I had no idea how many consultations and families I would be seeing.I have been working for one week and I have consulted life and otherwise, on over 10 cases.For those of you non therapists, live means,I do co-therapy with their therapist or behind a one way mirror.
3)I am working with therapy organizations teaching about the model, CSM and I am consulting extensively with professionals about my particularly approach to Compassion Fatigue.For now we will call it the Green Approach to Compassion Fatigue: Therapists as a Sustainable Resource.I will blog on that as well.
I think that answers the questions I have received.Thanks for all the great feedback you all have sent me.Glad you enjoy the blog.The next few entries might be TMI; a lot is shifting, flowing, and erupting, I sound like a Volcano, hmmmmmm interesting metaphor. I will try to make the entries, interesting and relevant to all of your lives as well.You might as well benefit from all the lava flowing inside and out of me as I continue my attempted transformation in to late midlife.
Shabbat Shalom- enjoy my gift of music. Idan Raichel Project, is an attempt to bring together the people and cultures of the Middle East. Below see what he says. Shabbat Shalom
Today at the Ulpan, my intensive Hebrew learning class, the class was entitled But I always remain myself....................... Of course I would say, AND I always remainmyself. I could not believe that I focused my learning today, on words that would describe what it is I am feeling, what my body is saying to me, and remembering I always remain myself. Each and everyday, I am discovering more and more about whom I am, and how to always remain myself, in the present. I am learning to do both. Who I truly am now will inform, who I will become. The key is to remember our resiliencies, I will always remain my resilient self. And POW I now can know who I am and what I feel and what I need, all in Hebrew. Fabulous! I can get my needs met by Israelis.
What was also fascinating to me is that my learning today was all done through song and music. I learned a song today, entitled, SOMETIMES I FEEL BUT I ALWAYS REMAIN MYSELF, a great tune, quite a toe tapper. The reason they teach it through song, is because of what they have learned about neurobiology, linguistics, and memory. Incredible!! We even think alike. Can not believe that my learning about the brain continues here. I think I might begin a new type of Therapy, I will sing throughout the sessions. The Collaborative Stage Model of Song or perhaps just a new modality, well maybe not me, someone with a good voice.
Every day, I am amazed, how it is clear, this was the right choice for me. And everyday, I am reminded if we allow it, staying in the Present offers many wonders about living our life in the future.
Tonight at Yoga, during Savasana, I focused on the sentence
Sometimes I feel..............And I always will remain my resilient self
Somteimes I feel...........And I always remain my resilient self
Sometimes I feel ...........And I always remain my resilient self
What the hell was I thinking, this was a completely crazy idea. My thoughts, fears, and tears were saying this as I lay in bed Wednesday night unable to sleep. This was a horrible, terrible, really bad idea. Anxiety swept through my body, as I realized there was no xanax, my next thought was, "Mary Jo what do you know. What do you need to ground yourself. What do you do for others when they do not feel safe?" The Answer: Create a context. I know those of you who know me well are, laughing and saying yeah right, yet you also know, it is the truth. I laid in bed and thought, what do I know, I am anxious, what is the fear behind the anxiety, I am basically afraid of being away from home for so long. So, how do I create a context here, my home away from home. Which of course leads to the questions I have been asking myself for the last last 18 months, who exactly am i going to BE and BECOME. Yet the blog is about the Present, so who do I want to be now. What would create my home in the present. And I realized, the old saying, "home is where the heart is", could it mean we carry in our hearts all that we need to know to create our home. I imaged my home. The elements of my home are: creating and being part of a family and community, a cup of tea in a glass mug, a place to meditate looking at nature, exercise. This is how each and every day, I create my home in my heart, my balance. With this warm feeling, I drifted off to sleep.
It is Sunday in Israel, and I have created a home, I am very much at home here. I have a glass tea mug, warming my hands and heart, I joined a health club in the neighborhood I can run to where I am spinning, Zumba and Yoga,I am going to an intensive Hebrew language school everyday, which has a social component where we go to public places and schmooze in Hebrew. I have worked everyday, I joined a volunteer organization to assist in dialogue between Israelis and Palestinians, I went to services on Shabbat and had a lovely dinner with colleagues and today hiked with a group amongst ruins.
Everything we need to create a home, is within us, I know this for sure. We carry our homes in our hearts. Once we stop, come to the present, look in our hearts, everything we need is there. Part of individuation is venturing out from a basecamp and yet having a home. Creating a context for balance, familiarity, and warmth. I have created a home.
The pilot announced we are now in Israeli airspace, and for a moment I could not catch my breath. It was like I was going home to see my parents, to see family members. I could not wait to see her and yet I have such an ambivalent attachment. It reminds me of how I often felt as a teenager with my parents, I loved them and yet questioned who they were and wanted to separate myself from them and their values. This is how I feel about coming home again to Israel. As I looked out the window, I was struck by the parallels of loving someone/a country and needing to individuate, and of being a 19-20 something teenager and a 57 year old woman, looking at the next stage of life, and wondering who exactly am I and who will I become. And wondering where will I land.
Clearly it was not airspace over Israel he was announcing.
My first official blog entry, in a blog that is about staying in the present, should probably not be written when all I can do is focus on what will life be like for the next 6 weeks. I leave tomorrow for what I anticipate might be the greatest emotional, intellectual, and spiritual challenge of my career. I have always said that it is very difficult to tell the difference between anxiety and excitement. Like most things in life, we have a choice what lens we put on the camera. So in service of being radically honest with myself, I think I am both, anxious and excited. Vulnerable and Resilient.
Let me try to be in the present, for a moment. The intention for me writing this blog is for me to stay in the present with my trip to Israel. I will be teaching, training, consulting, throughout the country. In the blog I will share my daily adventures and growth. This trip has been a dream I have had for years, to go back to Israel and share my work on Family Violence, Trauma, and Compassion Fatigue. With all the kids gone, my dream and hard work is coming into the Present. So I begin this Blog with gratitude to the Center for Contextual Change, to Dennis, to my kids, my friends, my family and my clients, who have provided me with the love and support, freedom and confidence to begin this incredible adventure.
As I wrote that last line, I was in the Present, very much in the Present, with love and gratitude for the support I receive and my ability to share what I am most committed to; providing healing, restoring peace and connection to families and communities torn apart by violence and trauma.
